I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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