Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
