theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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