i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Randomize
