dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
