I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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