I think i peed on brittanys purse
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
