# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
