...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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