Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
