He is such a slut. More and more my type.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
