this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
