If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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