i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
What a dumb baby whore.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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