apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
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My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
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She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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