I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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