i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
