Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
