having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
