you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
