Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
