the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
It's rum buckets o'clock
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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