I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
