I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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