I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
