just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
