Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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