Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
