My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
