I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
