You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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