Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
