at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
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