Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
