I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Such a big mess for such a small penis
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
