if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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