Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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