your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
