So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
