Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Randomize
