I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
