The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
