WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
