Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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