I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
