My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
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And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
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Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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