I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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