Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
