You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
