Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
