The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
