I never want to see another naked old woman again.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
