I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
