Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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