that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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