i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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